Getting Online: Part I

In June of 1994 my best friend's husband, our very good friend, died of lung cancer. Just three months later, my mother also died unexpectedly following surgery. These two deaths coming so close together combined to devastate me; particularly my mother's, because I had many issues with her which had never been completely resolved. I was simply not prepared for the enormity of the emotional pain which death of close friends and family could bring. 

I sank into a depression. I spent hours sitting in my chair with my cats, in front of the TV aimlessly channel surfing, watching programs I had little interest in. I did endless numbers of NY Times crossword puzzles. I tried teaching myself to play the banjo-uke. But no matter what I did, I found that I was unable to find a bridge over this ocean of grief in which I was drowning. 

Finally, I did seek help through a hospital support group in my area. This turned out to be the best free thing I ever did in my life. Sharing and learning to heal and deal with death with six other strangers did bring some relief. Someone in that group mentioned the internet, and talked about connecting with people there, and this piqued my curiosity.

I think the ad campaign about the "Information Super Highway" was also prevalent on TV at the time. I also remember reading a big advertising supplement from TIME magazine about the internet and, what interested me most were stories about people making connections on the web. 

We had an old Mac, which my husband used for our business. I really had little interest in it and had probably used it only once or twice to write letters or play at graphic design. Even though he was pretty expert at using the computer, we were both completely clueless about using the Internet. But I kept urging him to help me get on-line.

We got an internet provider, Interaccess, and I went there to take a class on how to get connected. Ironically, Maggie Donea taught that class. She was very nice, and an interesting and open person. I recall she was late because she got stopped for speeding. She also gave us a link to her personal home page. I don't think she had a journal at that time, just some pictures and some basic information. Still, I thought it was brave of her to have any personal information at all on what I viewed as the scary WEB! 

We finally got connected and decided to try using AOL because it seemed the easiest. We installed it and were very wary about going on line. Even though there were the few stories here and there about good things on the net, most of the news was devoted to horror stories, about sex perverts on line, and people being stalked and murdered, and other "outrageous dangers" of being on line. We created suitably vague screen names, nervously signed on and each took turns exploring, popping in and out of a few chat rooms, afraid to really participate and definitely afraid to let anyone know anything about us. 

But, our fears turned out to be groundless. 

I heard the comment once that the internet is like a huge library, only all the books are scattered about on the floor. That about sums it up, and back then it was even more of a mess. Even though it was hard to find certain things, it was still a lot of fun trying. I found just random searching brought interesting results. The connections with a 14.4 modem were really slow, but I could still sit for hours into the night, just following strange links as search engines laid the crumbs out there on the path for me. I was totally seduced by the amazing possibility of easy access to information on just about everything.

~~~~~~~ I spent a fair amount of time mousing around in AOL to see what was available there. Through AOL, I first discovered Baby Boomers, and soon their Women's Network. At least in AOL the topics were somewhat organized in folders on bulletin boards and in a form which made searching for things you were interested in a bit easier. The Women's Network turned out to be just what I was looking for all along. There, there were topics offering discussion and support on just about anything of interest to women. If you couldn't find what you wanted, you could even start a topic yourself. Two women, whom I later got to know pretty well, were primarily responsible for that wonderful forum. 

Mostly, I lurked there, but I did participate occasionally. Originally, I was drawn in by a folder on menopause which I believed was providing completely biased and inaccurate information on the subject. Ever the opinionated factoid, I started posting some medical facts and information found from my own research. I also found a topic on Women in Business, where women inquired about starting their own businesses and discussed some of their problems. I started responding to some questions. I received positive feedback, and I was off and running. I also participated in the chat rooms and found a lot of support there, especially from one host. 

I discovered that the boards and chat rooms were all created, run, and maintained and hosted by "volunteers." In this area they were called WLV's, a take off on "wolves" from the Clarissa Pinkola Estes book, and an acronym for Women's Leadership Voices. Eventually, I was invited to host a folder. Later, I was asked to have a larger role which entailed helping to create and maintain the folders on the boards. At the time the advantage was that you got a free AOL account, and that was pretty attractive since it cost a lot to be on-line in those days. 

It wasn't only that I found support for my grief issues online, but I also  found a large community of women, which, in spite of occasional disagreements, appeared to be one of the most unconditionally supportive group of women I had encountered in the many years since I had been a part of the Women's Movement in the seventies. I felt as if I had found a home. Instead of being immersed in my grief, I was immersing myself in the Internet. Now I was out of one chair in front of the TV, and firmly planted in another in front of the computer learning new things and happy to be sharing with virtual friends. 

~~~~~~~ Things weren't to remain so rosy. 

AOL wanted to make changes, and the woman who was largely responsible for the creation and success of the area was forced to resign. Her assistant and the host I liked so much also left with her in solidarity. I wish I could say that I had, but I did not. I stayed because this community had become my lifeline. Even though I was spending way too much time on line, it had given me a purpose-- a reason to get up in the morning, a reason to get out of my grief chair. I was not willing to give it up just yet. Actually I was afraid to loose that place on line where I felt I fit. 

I stayed on for about six months and took on the major responsibility for the message boards. I oversaw the creation of a little area dedicated to focusing on violence against women. But, finally, a few months later, the realities of spending inordinate hours "volunteering" in an understaffed area with others who really did not care much about anything except their own survival got to me. Everyone was vying for maybe one possible paying remote job there. It became cut-throat and just wasn't pleasant anymore. So I quit. Subsequently, I heard that a huge mess developed over all the "volunteering" for AOL which really was just another word for slave labor. I have my own rant about that whole issue which I'll get to someday.

Ironically, exactly at the time I quit, my younger brother died suddenly. Once again I was immersed in grief. Now, I had no on line job in which I could loose myself in at night. My heart wasn't in that women's community anymore. I only kept in with one or two women I knew from AOL. Although I searched, I just couldn't find a new place to go where felt as comfortable as I had in my old hang out. When I was not back sitting in my old chair in front of the TV again, I either spent aimless hours playing Trivia, surfing or trying to learn about investing in The Motley Fool forums.

One day I was quite surprised to see an e-mail message announcing that the two women who had resigned from AOL, the ones I had "worked for/with" were forming a new community, on the internet, and inviting me to drop by... 

...to be continued