It's been
a long and mostly boring week , filled with only things I had to do,
and nothing any too creative. I finished the project for the organization
I free-lance for, did some basic maintenance around the studio, and
then I spent part of a couple of days making up two jewelry orders.
Ironically,
although I am sick of the jewelry, that's what I enjoyed doing most.
I suppose that's because I can do it in my sleep. When I am making certain
production items, I can zone out and go right into a sort of meditative
state that actually feels very relaxing. There is no anxiety involved
because I know what I am doing so well that I don't have to worry about
the outcome. I am absolutely secure in my skills. I can fix anything
that goes wrong or make it over again if I have to without much trouble.
At the
same time, it is also that very lack of challenge that can push me quickly
out of the relaxed space and into the antsy space where I hate what
I am doing if I have to make too large an order.
Also
this week, the site for the workshop at which I am invited to teach
was updated and my name is there. I looked and I immediately got the
horrible feeling of panic in the pit of my stomach. I agree to do these
things and then later when it becomes a reality and there is no backing
out, I always experience feelings of deep insecurity, having serious
doubt that I will be able to perform. I feel like I am just an impostor
and everyone will surely find me out and I hate that feeling. In the
past everything has always turned out to be just fine. But I have to
go through this high anxiety every single time. I wish I could just
get over it.
I'm having
a hard time achieving a comfortable balance between these states.