Frankly
my week has felt extra boring. And the weather has been really cold
and snowy, and not conducive to elevating my mood.
I think
the ennui of the movie
I saw Monday must have rubbed off on me because I have been mired
in my own ennui for the entire week. Unfortunately, since there's no
"young hunk-a-diversion" to bring —meaning
—to my life, so I'm going to have to pull myself out of the mire
myself, lest this ennui morph into a full blown depression.
I spent
the week mostly packing up books, cleaning up my studio, doing a couple
of boring book repairs, and trying to work on finishing up all of the
"ought to do's," before I can allow myself to move on to the
"want-to-dos."
What I
want is to do something creative which has some meaning to me, but I
feel lost, and I just cast about the studio looking for inspiration
unable to begin any new project.
Finally,
at the end of the week I started to work on a specific commission from
another artist to make a clasp for her art work. It's relatively routine,
but does require a little thought as to how the design will both function
best and compliment the work. It helped to get me a little tiny bit
motivated.
I also
spent a lot of the week feeling lonely. Sometimes even though I have
friends, no particular one is really quite the right person for the
moment.
Part of
the time I thought about my friend of over 20 years who is apparently
no longer my friend. There were some things about her which drove me
nuts, and which are partially responsible for the demise of our friendship
this past year. But, I still miss her very much because we shared a
long and deep friendship through some really hard times, not the least
of which was the illness and death of her husband several years ago.
I also
started to think a lot about my
brother again, and how much I miss him. We shared a special art
connection and could talk about our ideas with each other with some
enthusiasm, often without having to explain a lot about the whys and
wherefores of what we were doing. There were even a few times when there
were surprising similarities in our work even though we lived far away
from each other and we worked in completely different mediums.
At one
time we thought about collaborating on a project, but before that could
happen, he died. I still have parts of some of the things he was working
on, and I hope someday to incorporate them into some work. Maybe it's
time to start working on that, so I can move on.
This quote
speaks to me today:
All
creative life, emotional life, spiritual life, sexual life, relational
life, moves in cycles of darkness and light, loss and return. ~Clarissa
Pinkola Estes
Today
I feel like I am still stuck in the darkness and loss part of the cycle,
and I'd like a little return to a happier state.